how pointless

it snowed. again. big surprise? nope. after all, it's only march. at the moment, i'm not quite sure where my phone is. somewhere in my house, i hope. i honestly don't really care. i found this song from a grey's anatomy episode that i ended up really liking. it's called trick pony, by charlotte gainsbourg. look it up, if you have the chance.

i know i'm just randomly rambling. basically, i have nothing to do. well, actually that's not exactly true. i have a lot of homework. but that doesn't count..

i decided that i don't like it when i try to write deep stuff. it just doesn't work. my writing has lost it's point. i was never very good at it in the first place anyways.

it seems like so many little, random, stupid things like this have lost their point. oh well.

"both sides now"

i heard this poem the other day. well, actually i think it's a song.. whatever. it really struck a chord, i guess cuz it kind of explains how i'm feeling. i wish i could write stuff like this:

Bows and flows of angel hair

And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons everywhere

I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and snow on everyone

So many things i would've done

But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down and still somehow

It's clouds illusions i recall

I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way you feel

As every fairy tale comes real

I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show

You leave 'em laughing when you go

And if you care, don't let them know

Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now

From give and take and still somehow

It's loves illusions i recall

I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say "I love you" right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I've looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say i've changed

Well something's lost, but something's gained

By living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

It's lifes illusions i recall

I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now

From up and down and still somehow

It's life's illusions i recall

I really don't know life at all

Luna

Ferocious feelings brooded
Like an angry lion in a cage
Restless thoughts concluded
Filling her with winter’s rage
She’d heard the soft cry
Of the quickly setting sun
Now she could only try
It was time she would outrun
As she took her place among
Those known as the stars
Every one of them sought
To cease all vile wars
That feelings of hatred brought

contrast

a lemon, or a lime?
space, or time?
a face, or a hand?
the sea, or the land?
glee, or sorrow?
today, or tomorrow?
to say, or to sing?
goodbye, or a ring?
to try, or to quit?
a crib, or a casket?
your rib, or your spine?
water, or wine?
daughter, or son?
all, or none?

The impact we can have

This was a creative writing assignment i had to do. But i turned it into something a little bit deeper than something you might turn in in creative writing.. I chose to write about us, as humans and a few of our personality traits. I’ll talk about a few of these traits in particular though. How we have the tendency to be ignorant, and oblivious sometimes to the way others around us might be feeling. Why is this? How can we not notice if someone is having a really bad day? Or how we are able to assume so easily, that if someone is smiling and acting happy that they truly feel that way inside? We make assumptions based off of what we see, and do not bother to pester that person any further to know if they are genuine about what they are telling us.

What if just one phrase could change someone’s

entire life?

Even crazier, what if you were the one to use the simple phrase, and change someone’s entire life? Would you be willing to make such a huge impact on someone’s life? What if just showing you care enough to really want to know how they’re doing, could make a person change their mind on something they had decided to do? I think that I would want to be able to do that for someone…

You never know exactly what is going on in someone’s head. You never know exactly what they’re thinking. It’s simply impossible. You’ll never know if they’re having a really, truly, honestly bad day. And you taking the time to show them you do care about them could turn everything around for them. With just one phrase, one smile, or one wave, you could change their entire attitude for the day.

And more than that, you could change their entire attitude/outlook on life. It doesn’t mean that every single person you don’t know, that you wave at will have a change of heart right there on the spot. But it doesn’t mean it won’t help them.

Back to what I was saying earlier though…

How we don’t know what every single person is thinking around us, or what they’ve made up their mind about that they feel they need to do.

There’s a family in my ward, who their son recently committed suicide. And was successful.

The impact his decision made on so many people’s lives is far greater than he probably would’ve thought possible. How many people’s lives he’s touched because of one simple decision. I only say “simple” not because suicide is an easy thing to contemplate… not at all. I don’t think it is. But the decision to do it, or not to do it is. When you put it in that context, anyways it is.

I think it’s so sad that anyone would ever feel that they needed to do that though. They feel that anything is better than what they’re living through. They just get so sick of life. Of living. Of being alive. For anyone to feel so upset by what’s going on around them that they want to do that, is extremely sad. I can understand completely why one might feel that way, however. That they think they only have one way out. One option.

Even though truly, it’s the worst option possible. After you take your life, you take everything you were feeling with you. Only here’s the thing… it gets multiplied. Times ten. Which equals= not fun. Or good. Or better, in any way, shape or form. So really, it isn’t an escape. Quite the opposite, actually. You become even more chained, and bound to those emotions. I honestly think that if everyone knew and understood this, then they wouldn’t even contemplate the option any more.

Because seriously, does that sound enticing at all to you? Eyeah, didn’t think so. So, you feel awful right? You wish you didn’t even have to breathe anymore, you’re so sick of living. You feel like you don’t have a reason to even get up in the morning anymore. Who in their right mind would want to make all those feelings multiply? Become greater?

Any ways, my point is… always try to pay attention to everyone around you. Even if it seems like the most unimportant person in the world. Everyone is important in god’s eyes. And that counts for something. How awful would it be if you knew someone who went off and made the decision to end their life, and you could’ve done something about it? To know that you could’ve made a difference? But, you didn’t. You didn’t even try. Would you honestly want to live with that guilt? Most likely not… so just open up and say hi to everyone, it isn’t that hard. I promise.

And they won’t be the only one that benefits from it. You will too. You’ll feel better about yourself, too.

a family of trees wanted, to be haunted -MGMT

i went to the south towne expo center the other day, and there was a lady there who was selling her paintings. i thought they were really cool, what people in trees? ha, yeah.

i heard a quote the other day...

it went something like this:

"Love isn't about finding the perfect person; it's about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

Metric

These are lyrics to a few songs by an amazing band that i've recently discovered:

Front Row:

I’m in the front row with a bottle
Don’t know what i can’t decide
I’m in the front row i’m a model
Don’t know what i can’t describe

Burned out stars they shine so bright
All of us
Burned out stars they shine so bright

He’s not perfect he’s my hero
Smashing the piano
Spitting in the front row
Chronic confrontation
Psychic conversation
Radical compassion
Louder than the action
All of us

Burned out stars they shine so bright
All of us
Burned out stars they shine so bright
All the stars

I’m in the front row with a bottle
Don’t know what I can’t decide
I’m the front row i’m a model
Don’t know what I can’t describe

Burned out stars they shine so bright
All of us
Burned out stars they shine so bright
All of us

He’s not perfect he’s a victim
Of his occupation
Social insulation
Secret intervention
Charging with possession
I just wanna watch him
Make or break and beat them

Burned out stars they shine so bright
All of us
Burned out stars they shine so bright
All the stars

Stadium Love:

Wanna make a bet
We'll be neck and neck
Taking off the gloves

Spider Vs Bat
Tiger Vs Rat
Rabbit Vs Dove

Wanna make a bet
Odds are neck and neck
Taking off the gloves

Spider Vs Bat
Tiger Vs Rat
Owl Vs Dove

Every living thing
Pushed into the ring
Fight it out
To wow the crowd
Guess you thought
You could just watch
No one's getting out
Without stadium love

Wanna make a trade
Couger for a snake
Wanna fall in love

Wanna make a deal
Angel Vs Eel
Owl Vs Dove

Every living thing
Pushed into the ring
Fight it out
To wow the crowd
Guess you thought
You could just watch
No one's getting out
Without stadium love

We got stadium love

Satellite Mind:

Hold it, I'm about to drop off
Let me tell you my last thought
Drift into a deep fog, lost where I forgot to
Hold it, I can feel you most when I'm alone

Coming home 'cause I want to hang out with the starlet
Stare up at the ceiling, preview of a screening
Flashback of a feeling, sixth sense of a call
And heard you fuck through the wall, I heard you fuck

When I'm bored I send vibrations in your direction
Through the satellite mind
When I'm bored I send vibrations in your direction
Through the satellite mind

I'm not suicidal, I just can't get out of bed
I drift into a deep fog, lost where I forgot to
Hold it, I can feel you most when I'm alone
I can feel your ghost when I'm alone

Coming home 'cause I want to hang out with the starlet
Stare up at the ceiling, hiding and revealing
Flashback of a feeling, sixth sense of a calling
And heard you fuck through the wall, I heard you fuck

When I'm bored I send vibrations in your direction
Through the satellite mind
When I'm bored I send vibrations in your direction
Through the satellite mind
When I'm bored I send vibrations
Through a satellite mind, through the satellite mind

A satellite mind, mind, mind, a satellite
A satellite mind, mind, mind, a satellite
A satellite mind, mind, a satellite, a satellite

Help, I'm alive:

I tremble
They're gonna eat me alive
If I stumble
They're gonna eat me alive
Can you hear my heart
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer

Help I'm alive
My heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender
Come take my pulse the pace is on a runaway train
Help I'm alive
My heart keeps beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer

If we're still alive
My regrets are few
If my life is mine
What shouldn't I do?
I get wherever I'm going
I get whatever I need
While my blood's still flowing
And my heart's still
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer

Help I'm alive
My heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender
Come take my pulse the pace is on a runaway train
Help I'm alive
My heart keeps beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer

If we're still alive
My regrets are few
If my life is mine
What shouldn't I do?
I get wherever I'm going
I get whatever I need
While my blood's still flowing
And my heart's still
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer

Help I'm alive
My heart keeps beating like a hammer

i've got no way of knowing exactly where i'm going

well. its been a while since i've written a blog, more than ten days. i just haven't really had the time, or known exactly what i should talk about. but here goes.

life is pretty great right now, i have to admit. i miss everyone at the moment, but hopefully that will change soon enough. i haven't seen cosette since tuesday. zakk since wednesday. alyse since that friday we all hung out. carlos since general conference. grant since sometime over the summer probably. katie since that one time i just happened to be at the junction, and she just happened to need oil for her car.

but its all good. there are a few things i'm stressing about, but that i will refrain from mentioning here on cyberspace, or whatever.

my grades are good, i have a 3.6 for once in my life. i have a wonderful boyfriend that i love dearly. the quote by chase coy "and tho it's much too soon to tell, i'm hoping this will last,'' comes to mind. i have amazing friends that i know i can count on. i went to the used concert last weekend, and it was freaking awesome. i love that band. halloween is coming up! woot. i'm excited, even though i have no clue what i'm doing yet, or am going to be. there's still 15 more days to figure that all out, so its all good. its fall, my favorite time of year and the leaves are as gorgeous as ever. i got a hair cut yesterday, due to the fact that i could no longer see because my bangs were way too long. i'm on good terms with everyone in my family. for now anyways...

oh, and i tried this health energy drink stuff yesterday. it was my mom's friend, and her husband is in mona vie. its by mona vie, but its a new kind called EmV. its way good, it almost tastes like cranberries. just thought i'd share that :)

fall break has been pretty alright so far. wednesday afterschool hung out with zakk for a little while, till he had to leave around five or so i think it was? then i watched the proposal with my mommy. its funny. if you haven't seen it yet, i highly reccommend you do. yesterday i went with my mom and little brother to get our hair cut. it took three freaking hours. oh wells. then we got soup from kneaders. their italian cream soda's rock. today... hum. i might see cosette at some point. i was going to try to hang out with katie for a little while, but she works weird hours today, and plus its kyra's birthday, so they already have all these plans.

i got to drive again last night. it was fun. stressful, and kinda scary. but fun. i've only driven three different times, each time for at least ten minutes, and each time with a different car. the first time was in a wal-mart parking lot at one in the morning on the mazda that died a year or so ago. the second time was in the summer around two i think, and it was raining. i drove from one end of traverse mountain to the other, and back again. that was on the mini van. this last time was last night around one, and i just drove around in cedar hills in the residential area near wal-mart. my mom had to help me steer when we were going through the roundabout. i think i almost have the hang of stopping at stop signs...

well, the battery for the camera is done charging now, so i think i'll go take a walk on the trail and try to get some good pictures of the fall leaves. plus the lighting right now is really pretty. i got the title of this blog from the lyrics in a song by ashley parker angel. they're so true, you really have no way of knowing exactly where you're going. anything can change in a matter of hours, minutes, seconds. you never know.

well, happy friday everyone. i hope you all have a fabulous fall break. and thanks for reading.

-xann

i wish...

i wish that i could go to europe, just to see muse play

i wish that people weren't so judgemental

i wish that i could get more sleep

i wish that i didn't need so much sleep

i wish that i could fly

i wish that people wouldn't start wars

i wish that people weren't killing forests

i wish that i could speak fluent chinese

i wish that i could learn how to drive, before i turn 15

i wish that jonah would let me and cosette put evil, stoned, seductive mermaids in our fantasy story =p

i wish that stupid girls wouldn't mess with guys heads, just to prove that they could

i wish that the snow in utah would only last up until january

i wish that it would rain tomorrow

i wish that i could actually draw animals, and they wouldn't look stoned

i wish that i could always get good grades

i wish that anger and hatred didn't seem to outweigh love so much

i wish that i could watch a meteor shower with alyse

i wish that i could go to a beach in north carolina

i wish that school food didn't suck so much

i wish that i wouldn't be so pessimistic

i wish i could see paramore play a show, where they don't open for anyone, and they just play for an hour straight

i wish i could go to the used concert next week with carlos

i wish people wouldn't swear all the time for no reason better than they just think its "cool"

i wish the world wasn't so messed up

i wish the death cab concert hadn't sold out so fast when they played here this summer

i wish i could learn to dance

i wish most of the news we hear on tv, and in the paper wasn't all negative

i wish i could write better poetry

i wish i could keep my room clean for longer than two days

i wish i could have a blue platypus, like on phineas and ferb

i wish everyone could find a better outlet than drugs or drinking

i wish i could go to warped tour every year

i wish life made sense

i wish i could sing like hayley or hayleigh

i wish i didn't care as much what people thought of me

i wish it wasn't getting so cold so soon

i wish i had a pair of moccasins

i wish school wasn't so stressful

i wish my seminary teacher wasn't such a weirdie

i wish i could turn my feelings into songs

i wish i had a lime squeeze right about now

i wish i didn't get depressed nearly so easily

i wish i could write like s.e. hinton, or nicholas sparks

i wish i could cut my hair in a peacock again

i wish so many animals weren't going extinct

i wish people didn't hurt animals the way they do to get meat

i wish i wasn't allergic to pesto

i wish i could go visit the 80's, and take katie

i wish i could handle the cold better

i wish i could go to ikea and play house with hayleigh and cosette

i wish i could cook

i wish people wouldn't hunt animals for their tusks, fur, or other such things

i wish there was no such thing as a black market

i wish my computer wasn't dying

i wish alyse's froggie, toothpaste hadn't died

i wish i had a muse shirt

i wish mia hadn't died before i got to see her once more

i wish i had the cobra starship cd

i wish i could go to california sometime soon

i wish rob pattinson wasn't such a creeper... wait, nah he makes life more interesting. so nix that.

i wish catata hadn't died

i wish beyonce's voice wasn't so annoying

i wish i had a bamboo plant

i wish more people still used myspace

i wish i could see my cousin again soon

i wish i had more casette tapes

i wish paramore wasn't so mainstream now

i wish i wasn't so terrfied of bees

i wish i wasn't a night owl... kinda

i wish they had giant lava lamps on the subways or whatev in salt lake

i wish i knew how to use photoshop

i wish i was asleep right now...