Its called a chill pill, please take one

Okay, so i've been in a blogging mood pretty much all day, have had a lot on my mind, and figure this is a good way to get it all (or at least most) of it out. Gah okay, so anyways, i was talking to my mom earlier, and asked if i could go somewhere, and she totally overreacted and blew up on me, naming every single possible reason under the sun why she was saying no. I just sat there and was thinking wow, i'm never going to act like this when i'm a mom, and just blow up on people randomly. I want to be chill, and someone they feel like they can talk to, no matter what. I want to be someone they can look up to, and trust, and be friends with all the time, good day or bad day. I want to be there for them. I want to be dependable and able to be counted on.
Because, well, i can see the reasons why she's under so much stress all the time, what with bills, groceries, trying to keep the house clean, worrying about kids, what we eat, what we wear, who we're with, what we're doing, how, why when and where. Worrying about everything, and on top of all of it she worries about what tv shows she missed, what episodes, what's on tonight or tomorrow night, what needs to be recorded, how much memory the stupid dvr has, what needs to be deleted, what needs to be burned, what needs to be watched and when. She NEEDS to lay off the tv for a while. She used to not even eat dinner with us because, when my granparents were still living with us, she had a legitimate excuse. She'd say that it was too hard to be around them, that my grandpa would try to start fights and she just didn't want to deal with it. And i was cool with that. But now, they're gone, and she still won't ever be downstairs with us, because she's with the stupid tv. The other day she said something to me to the effect of "i think you really need to spend more time with the family, xandra. You treat your iPod and your phone like they're your family." I just sat there and thought gee, who does that remind me of? I dunno, her parents were pretty messed up, and i've only ever gotten the slightest idea of how fucked up life was for her during those years. But still, wouldn't that make her want to CHANGE what kind of parent she was? I mean, seriously, it makes me want to. And she used to at least TRY to set a good example and be a MOM, but these days it seems like she's not putting any effort into it. She really doesn't do much of the things you'd think a mom should. I guess she just kind of.. gave up. I'm not saying i'm a perfect child or anything, not in the least bit am i. But thats what kind of bugs me, is how she's always telling me when she was little that she was a perfect child. Mom, no ones perfect. But only after her parents went over the top that she did too, when she was a teenager and had a car and all. I know parents think teenagers are wild, unruly and reckless, and heck mebbe they're right most of the time. Pssh but isn't that what being a teenager is all about? Well now i think i'm just starting to rant, i'm thinking i should just call it a night.
-xrr

Quote:
Oh and i'm feeling directionless yes
But thats to be expected
And i know that best
And in creeps the morning
And another days lost
-Soil Soil; Tegan and Sara

waves of memories

Its crazy to think that last week at this time i was driving home from arizona, because it seems like that was forever ago. Going back was.. well lots of different things. We hadn't been back since we moved up to utah, two and a half years ago. I could still remember most everything pretty clearly. When we got into anthem, arizona, it was night time, around nine or ten. Anthem is where we lived, fifteen minutes north of phoenix. The second we were driving down the beautiful road to anthem lined with palo verde and mesquite trees, and cactus, with the big waterfall that says welcome to anthem, a wave of emotions and memories hit me all at once. I could remember every time we had ever driven down that road coming back from a trip, whether it had been a few hours or a few days. It felt so surreal, like a dream, especially since it was night time, and i was still kind of groggy. We drove by our old house, which was both sorrowful and wonderful to see again. Then after we went to the old safeway just down the street. It was a pretty warm, clear night so you could see the stars. I thought to myself, are these really the same stars cosette and i would watch, laying in the middle of my street in utah? I wanted to lay on the car and sit there and watch them for hours, but of course my parents wouldn't go along with that, so i didn't even bother asking, already knowing what the answer would be. I remember thinking the next day, when we went back to anthem, and were eating taco bell at the park sitting on the grass, watching the sunset, that i wanted to stay there forever, and that everything seemed so welcoming amd happy and warm there. And i wanted so badly at that moment to be able to live like that, to just lay out in the sun every day, and be tan, and not worry about getting caught in the snow, or about needing to wear snowboots or not, or wishing it was warmer. Then i remembered all my friends in utah, and all we had been through together, how much we had watch each other grow, even just in this past year. So i changed my day dream to where we were all living in arizona, in anthem, walking distance from each other, and from all the other stores and shops and restaurants there. And how we would be able to ask for a ride to one place, and stay there forever never getting bored, just walking around to all the other places near there, just cuz theres so much to do in arizona. And how when we got a little older and had a license, we could drive up to the motsuri festival for example, and spend the day there. How i wished all this could come true, my day dream. But, of course, like most things that seem too good to be true, it would be. We spent the rest of that night walking around the outlets at anthem, this outdoor mall. Again, this place held so many memories, and good times. You know, i think its funny how something as small and seemingly insignificant as a tree, or a certain smell can hold such a strong lasting memory.

Quote that (kind of) goes with this: "oh somewhere deep inside of these bones, an emptiness began to grow, there's something out there far from my home, a longing that i've never known" -nightmare before christmas