i wish...

i wish that i could go to europe, just to see muse play

i wish that people weren't so judgemental

i wish that i could get more sleep

i wish that i didn't need so much sleep

i wish that i could fly

i wish that people wouldn't start wars

i wish that people weren't killing forests

i wish that i could speak fluent chinese

i wish that i could learn how to drive, before i turn 15

i wish that jonah would let me and cosette put evil, stoned, seductive mermaids in our fantasy story =p

i wish that stupid girls wouldn't mess with guys heads, just to prove that they could

i wish that the snow in utah would only last up until january

i wish that it would rain tomorrow

i wish that i could actually draw animals, and they wouldn't look stoned

i wish that i could always get good grades

i wish that anger and hatred didn't seem to outweigh love so much

i wish that i could watch a meteor shower with alyse

i wish that i could go to a beach in north carolina

i wish that school food didn't suck so much

i wish that i wouldn't be so pessimistic

i wish i could see paramore play a show, where they don't open for anyone, and they just play for an hour straight

i wish i could go to the used concert next week with carlos

i wish people wouldn't swear all the time for no reason better than they just think its "cool"

i wish the world wasn't so messed up

i wish the death cab concert hadn't sold out so fast when they played here this summer

i wish i could learn to dance

i wish most of the news we hear on tv, and in the paper wasn't all negative

i wish i could write better poetry

i wish i could keep my room clean for longer than two days

i wish i could have a blue platypus, like on phineas and ferb

i wish everyone could find a better outlet than drugs or drinking

i wish i could go to warped tour every year

i wish life made sense

i wish i could sing like hayley or hayleigh

i wish i didn't care as much what people thought of me

i wish it wasn't getting so cold so soon

i wish i had a pair of moccasins

i wish school wasn't so stressful

i wish my seminary teacher wasn't such a weirdie

i wish i could turn my feelings into songs

i wish i had a lime squeeze right about now

i wish i didn't get depressed nearly so easily

i wish i could write like s.e. hinton, or nicholas sparks

i wish i could cut my hair in a peacock again

i wish so many animals weren't going extinct

i wish people didn't hurt animals the way they do to get meat

i wish i wasn't allergic to pesto

i wish i could go visit the 80's, and take katie

i wish i could handle the cold better

i wish i could go to ikea and play house with hayleigh and cosette

i wish i could cook

i wish people wouldn't hunt animals for their tusks, fur, or other such things

i wish there was no such thing as a black market

i wish my computer wasn't dying

i wish alyse's froggie, toothpaste hadn't died

i wish i had a muse shirt

i wish mia hadn't died before i got to see her once more

i wish i had the cobra starship cd

i wish i could go to california sometime soon

i wish rob pattinson wasn't such a creeper... wait, nah he makes life more interesting. so nix that.

i wish catata hadn't died

i wish beyonce's voice wasn't so annoying

i wish i had a bamboo plant

i wish more people still used myspace

i wish i could see my cousin again soon

i wish i had more casette tapes

i wish paramore wasn't so mainstream now

i wish i wasn't so terrfied of bees

i wish i wasn't a night owl... kinda

i wish they had giant lava lamps on the subways or whatev in salt lake

i wish i knew how to use photoshop

i wish i was asleep right now...

brand new eyes

the new paramore album came out yesterday! i still need to get it. i was listening to some of their songs, and decided that this was one of my favorites. its called careful:

I settle down
A twisted up frown
Disguised as a smile (whoa)
You would have never known
I had it all but not what i wanted
'cause hopefully was a place uncharted
And overgrown

You make your way in
I resist you just like this
You can't tell me to feel
The truth never set me free
So i did it myself

You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach a little more

Open your eyes like i opened mine
It's only the real world
Oh, like you will never know
Shifting your weight to throw off the pain
Well you can ignore it
But only for so long

You look like i did
You resist me just like this
You can't tell me to heal
And it hurts remembering how it felt to shut down

You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach a little more

The truth never set me free
The truth never set me free
The truth never set me free
So i'll do it myself

You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach out
You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach out more

More
More
More
More, more

my other new favorite song by them is called
misguided ghosts:

I'm going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
'cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no road
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles

But now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it

Would someone care to classify,
A broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not
Useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
And we should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

well, its late, i gotta get to sleep. i love you all, and good night :)

metaphorical poem

Her life is like a stormy sky

Bereft of incandescent love

You know not yet what will make her cry

Her brooding turbulence contained above

She’s learned to no longer trust her brazen emotions

Instead they began to ferment, leaving only apathy behind

Relying solely upon her troubled notions

She escapes to better times inside her comatose mind

As she nears the grave, her last words bequeathed to you are these:

“Whatever y0ur sorrow, whatever your pain,

There will be rainbows after the rain.”

cows on crack

Yesterday, i finished message in a bottle. it was such a good book, i loved it. but i also hated it, just because. its one of those things. (btdub, i'm sorry for ruining the ending for you cosette) i was reading it in english, and it was getting really intense, so i finished almost all of it at lunch, at which point i freaked out. haha. my next class was math, and i should have been paying attention, but i couldn't. i kept thinking about the dumb book, and zoning out. then about halfway through, i almost started crying. i don't even know why, i hadn't been thinking about the book. my mind was completely blank. i almost said "what the freak??" out loud. that would have been funny, but still i'm glad i didn't.

i love nicholas sparks. just his whole style of writing, its amazing. he's kind of like the writer you aspire to be. his books make you think. but s.e. hinton is, has, and always will be my favorite author. everything she writes about is so profound, in its own way and really reaches me. i highly reccommend you read her books. especially that was then, this is now. thats my most favorite book, even above twilight. shocker, i know.

i just read alyse's blog yesterday, its called "you taught my heart a sense i never knew i had." love silverstein. anyways, it was exactly what i had been feeling like all day, but hadn't been able to put into words. so to sit there reading it, it was like woah... you should read it, its truly amazing. that girl sure can write ;) one of the things she said that really stuck out to me was this line: "remember the past, live the present. it'll never happen again." she's so right, on so many levels. there are so many things that happen throughout our lives, even if they're something little, that we don't notice go by. and it'll never happen again.

kind of like what my mom said at the depeche mode concert, when somebody threw up from being drunk. she said something to the affect of "what an idiot. seriously, thats so smart! lets drink so much we pass out, throw up, and can't remember this night... depeche mode isn't going to be around forever you know."

on a different note, i hung out with carlos and zakk today. it was fun. at first i was kind of worried it might get kind of awkward cuz cosette probably wasn't going to come, but i ended up having a really good time. we just talked, because alpine is lame and there's really nothing to do, but its all good. something he said really got to me, and i totally understood how he felt. he said that he kind of wished he could move, just so he could start over. so he wouldn't have the same reputation as being the "stoner emo kid."

i think its sad how everyone, once they have an idea in their head of exactly how they think people are, they refuse to ever change that idea. i guess they think that people don't change, won't change, can't change. when really, change is what we do best. it is constantly what we are forced to do. we are all in a continuous state of change. whether its mentally, physically, or emotionally. or those around us, or us ourselves. but thats just life, changing and unpredidctable.

well, i'm dead tired from not getting enough sleep, and walking around all day. so, i love you all dearly. thank you for taking the time to listen to me.

cheers to...friends, passed memories, and magic sticks (meaning otter pops) =p oh, and sleep.

-xann

(btdub, the title is something katie said when i was talking to her last night at one a.m. i didn't know what to title it, and i thought that it sounded ridiculous, so i used it)

aCiD tRiP

Koo koo ca choo

The sky is blue

Just like the fish in the sea

But the walrus lives to eat those fish

So I say "Swim away man!"

They swam so fast the water turned green

Just like the tree in my dream

But was it a dream? I never know anymore

With Lucy in the sky, I try to fly

The eggman on my ceiling reaches down his hand to me

Then the blackbird singing in my ear

He squawks "Come together right now, over me."

With words flowing out like rain into a paper cup

I drink that cup from bottom up

Some spills onto the floor above

Making pools of sorrow and waves of joy

So I surf the waves across the universe

I lived on in a world unknown, until

One day I met you. And now,

Eight days a week, i wanna hold your hand

Oh! darling, if you could run through

The octopus's garden with me

My guitar would never gently weep again

I see you and think, here comes the sun

We fly up to the starless night

And touch the glowing stars

Then float back down once again

Then after we'll run through

The seemingly endless strawberry fields

Where nothing is real,

And nothing to get hung about

Walking down penny lane with Jude and Prudence

I get by with little help from my friends

fairytale, or not?

This is a creative writing exercise we had to do. It made my mom cry, so i thought hey, why don't i post it as a blog? so i did. here it is. enjoy.

My ending to the story of the lady and the tiger: if the princess were to choose the door with:
The tiger: it would be almost expected, for it was in her countries barbaric nature and would not seem that out of place there. Even among us, as humans, we would not find it too terribly odd, for it might be easier for her to live with his death, (even though, ultimately it would come down to her decision) to watch his blood be spilled right there before her very eyes, than to have to live with him marrying the woman she loathed. And, more than that, she as well as everyone else would be there to witness them being wed. But to have to remember, day in and day out, the image of his terror filled eyes as the tiger lunged out toward her lover, as she sat in the stand, helpless to help him in his time of dire need and desperation. Honestly, I think that would be quite traumatic. We would probably all like to think we would choose the lady for our lover, but, if it really came down to it, and we were thrown into the same situation , what would we choose?

The lady: she would have to live in that constant state of anger, rage, jealousy, and torment for the rest of her life. B ut would she rather see his face with hers every day, or not at all? Some might say that she may find another whom she would love just as much, if not more. I do believe that if you really love someone, you would want the best for them. Try to do, no matter what, the best for them. What then, in this case is the “best”? To have him wiped off the face of the earth entirely, knowing it was you who thus did this? Or having him still be alive, even in the same vicinity as you day after day, after day; only knowing that he now belongs to another, that he is no longer yours? You may still own him at heart, but what good is the heart without the body? Him and his new wife legally bound together till death do them part. … of course, they could always try the whole Tristan & Isolde thing, sneaking around despite the fact that he is married. But if his wife was ever to find out, she would, of course be enraged. And then, what would there be to stop her from telling the king?

*****************

With the utmost of confidence, he thrust his hand out towards the right door, and out pounced… the tiger. She stood up and screamed in shock , realizing that, somehow, for some reason, they had switched the doors at the last minute. She had not wanted this fate for him. She knew that if he did not exist in any part of her universe, married or not, it would be impossible for her to go on. She had debated for weeks on end to come to this decision. And now, to have it switched on her so suddenly, so randomly, made her feel helpless. Powerless.

He took one last, longing glance upward at her, staring into her horror struck midnight blue eyes, knowing that this would be the last time he was to see them again. To see the storm in them subside after he would reassure her that she was the only one for him, the only one he would , could, or should ever love; the smolder of triumph after she won a minor argument; the passion and desire that almost made them burn that was so rarely there, when they were able to meet alone. This never ceased to mystify him , especially since the color of her eyes was closer to ice than to fire; the tumultuous joy that came when she saw his face once again after being separated seemingly for forever. All of this, gone. Lost. He wondered for a brief second if, perhaps, she would seek another out after he was gone… then stopped. He knew the answer to that. Of course she would not. Of course. He couldn’t ever do that, and neither would she. He would want her to be happy, but she would be so picky, always comparing every man her father tried to force on her to him. She would find no one. He almost felt, almost, arrogant. But the thought of her misery far outweighed his arrogance. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted that more than anything, even if he was not to be included in that happiness…

All of this took place in less than a heartbeat. He blew a kiss to her, then bowed. The tiger lunged upon him, and her agonized scream was the only sound that filled his ears“NO!!!” he wanted to tell her everything would be okay, that she was fine, there was no need to worry, he wanted to hold her in his arms and reassure her. He thrust back that hopeless wish almost instantaneously, as tears sprang to his eyes. He kept his head bowed down as he felt the impact of the tiger upon his body. He felt no pain as he fell to the ground, though he knew that the tigers claws were in his back. None of this seemed to be registering to his brain. It was as though every cell, every thought, every part of him was screaming her name. including his last breath, as he exhaled one last time, to say goodbye. Then he felt his world go black, and he was drifting. For a moment he thought he could hear her, but then it was gone. The voice. The voice of an angel. His angel. He would know that voice anywhere…

cookie dough toes

this is zoey =] my little sister always calls her "puppy toes" because zoey is too hard for her to say. i thought her paws looked like chocolate chip cookies though, so i started calling her cookie dough toes. she's a pain sometimes (like right now) when she's barking because we won't let her out of the bathroom. but other times she's soo cute, like when she's asleep, or chasing you. but for the most part she's a pretty well behaved dog.

i always wondered as a child why we never really had that many pets. the whole time up until i was twelve we only had two different cats. we kept each of them for about... two years altogether, then my mom decided she didn't want them, so she gave them to my grandpa. i was upset about it for the longest time. i never really understood how much responsibility a dog was untiil we got one, and i had to help a lot more.

there are stars enough to make every wish come true

last week, as you know, was the one week during the whole entire year that there are meteor showers every night. i watched two of them. the first on wednesday night with my mommy, the next on thursday night with cosette. the stars are so amazing. how there's so many of them, and the more you look, the more you see. as alyse said, it really makes you feel small. to know that there's so much more out there, and we don't even know everything about the two planets closest to us. let alone the our whole galaxy, then the who knows how many other ones out there. anyways, the "fire in the sky" last week was pretty amazing. when i watched them thursday night with cosey, we kept making wishes on them as we saw them falling...

on a different note, school starts tomorrow. woot? i think i might be kind of sort of slightly excited. i only have one class with cosette. and alyse, and grant, as well as all of my other ninth grade friends left. meh. but i suppose meeting new people can be fun. there might be people i already know in some of the classes too. is it ridiculous for me to be nervous about starting school tomorrow? the same school i've been to for the last two(ish) years? i thinks so...

this summer went by way too fast. it was here, and then... it just wasn't. my last day of summer vacation was pretty fun, though. i walked to legacy park to meet cosette, alyse, kevin, and cole. then we got snow cones at snoasis, and sat around in the deeer park =p at some point in the day we met up with hayleigh, while cosette went to practice for volley ball in burgess park. we walked over there and watched her for a little while, then decided we were hungry. so we got alfredo pizza at dimitri's. then alyse left with her dad on some sort of motorcycle type vehicle that i wouldn't know the name of, and, shortly after i had to leave too to go to mutual.

was this summer amazing? slightly so, i'd say. if moving hadn't taken one whole freaking month it probably would have been better. but there's no going back now. the past is the past. i think the moments that were the very best, are these:

• sitting under the stars during the lehi stake dance on the last day of school, with carlos, cosette, alyse, grant, and aubrey.
• grants birthday... that whole day was pretty rad.
• playing guitar under the stars and the streetlamp with hayleigh and cosette. (and alyse on the phone)
• having a sleepover in the tent in my backyard with alyse and cosette, and getting attacked by the hugenormous spider that tried to eat me. lol.
  
• going swiming with alyse and cosette, then later sitting on alyse's deck at three in the morning watching the stars and babbling to eachother about rain cloudy thoughts.
• the alpine dance on friday night
• warped tour! screaming and jumping up and down to innerpartysystem, chiodos, the devil wears prada, white tie affair, and attack attack.
• getting zoey
  
• going to del taco at two in the morning with cosette (no chake!) =p
  

well, i should probably get to sleep. i'm dead freaking tired. i loves you all.
cheers to summer memories.
good night.

-xann

definitions

have you ever realized how many people are always constantly, sometimes almost obsessively fretting over their apperance? their flaws, their best features, what they wish they could change, what they wish they had, etc. now i'm not saying i never do this.

i was just reading one of alyse's blogs. the quote on hers said: "You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your f***ing khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world." ~Tyler Durden.

i was thinking about this the other day in the shower. how so many people want to be defined by their clothes. their cars. their jewelery. when really, none of that should matter. what should matter is what you do. how you act. what you say. cause fifteen years from now, its not going to matter what shirt you wore, what car you rode to school in every day, what shoes you wore. all thats going to matter is what you learned, what memories you have, and the friends you made.

and if you're only dressing a certain way, talking a certain way, just so people will like you, then they won't really, truly, ever like you, just how you acted. so just be yourself. don't let other people dictate your life. don't let what you wear define who you are. all of these, i am aware are easier said than done. trying not to care what others say or think of you isn't always easy. especially if you hardly know the person, and they're just going off of assumptions. it takes courage, or something of the like.

i think something we all, as humans fear, is not being accepted. its hard when others judge you, and think they have you all figured out before they even take the time to know you. the whole "don't judge a book by its cover" bit comes to mind...

well, i'm pretty pooped. after going to back to school night, i'm officially excited for school. this year is going to be fun... i hope. all we can do is hope. at the very least i'm excited to wear my cobra starship t-shirt to the first day of school =p their song good girls go bad is ever so constantly stuck in my head, btdub. oh wells. i'm getting up early to hang out w/ cosey and kevin, me thinks. and at some point alyse, and grant. so i shall see you all later, good night sleep tight. don't let the bed bugs bite.

-xann

the clouds in your head rain the little rain cloudy thoughts

i have a problem... i cannot choose which guitar to get. my other one, the ibanez; has a white face, with a black pick guard, and mahogany wood on the back. the ibanez had a problem with one of the frets so we took it back in to get it fixed. but while i was there, i saw a gorgeous blond telecaster electric guitar for $300. which is not bad at all. my grandpa said he would get it for me, if i wanted it. i can only get one though, so i need you guys to help me decide.

anyways, yesterday i went to the mall with katie and kristen. it was... a bit of an adventure. lol. we had to put more oil in her car, and check the water. it was pretty hilarious, we pulled into maverick, bought the oil, came back out and opened the hood of her car, and i swear like four or five guys stopped and asked us if we needed help. we just had the first guy help us with checking the water. he unscrewed this pipe looking thing with a napkin, as it shot green looking goo all over that slightly resembled (we thought) the toxic waste that got on the teenage mutant ninja turtles =p we had to be back soon cuz katie had to go to work, so we couldn't spend long at the mall. but still, it was fun. i learned more about cars, the lines on the road, exits, whats legal, whats illegal.

this week has overall been pretty fun. monday, hung out with alyse, cosette, and hayleigh. we went swimming and painted nails. oh, and we went grocery shopping. then me and alyse had a sleepover. we stayed up till about four, at which point she started rambling on about the little rain cloudy thoughts. i luff her. i think the only reason i wasn't rambling was cuz i'm still used to staying up way late. i didn't really do anything tuesday. and wednesday i just did a bunch of laundry. like, insane amounts. but i get paid, so its all good. and i also rearranged my closet in rainbow order. ha, you can tell i got pretty bored. oh! i get my warped tour ticket tomorrow! woot. and tomorrow is also the highland fling, which i will probably end up going to.

so, if the dates are all screwed up on this, its cuz i started it a while ago and am just now finishing it. well, its three in the morning. i love you all, good night.

-xann