the four letter word: l-i-f-e

Life… the state of living. Of being alive. Your life. Everyone is given a life, no matter how good, or how bad it may be you still have one. What matters is what you do with that life. Only you can determine how you will live your life. Will you live in sadness, and grief of what has happened to you? Will you live in anger, and rage of who you wish you could get back at for what they’ve done to you, hating them? Blaming them? Or will you choose to live your life being happy for what you have, seeing the beauty of everything around you. Learning to forgive and forget, “it’s just a chapter in the past; but don’t close the book, just turn the page.” Realize that no one can be perfect.

I heard a quote the other day: “life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you deal with it.” I honestly believe this is true. It really doesn’t matter what others do to you, or how life treats you. Not nearly as much as how you choose to deal with it. Whether you will:

a.) try to get revenge, or back at someone

b.) feel sorry for yourself, and think how terrible the world is

c.) learn how to overcome it, get through it and become stronger

is up to you. You decide. I’m writing this because as I read over the sentence, I realized how incredibly true it was. No one else makes our decisions for us. Only we can. Yes, we can be influenced by others, inspired by others, even led by others. But it is ultimately our decision when it comes down to it. I wish I could always choose option c. but, of course I don’t. I’ve been trying more lately, I guess just to be a better person in general…

you can try to help everyone out around you, inspire them, build them up. Make a difference in the world, no matter how small. As ghandi says “be the change you wish to see in the world.”

well, i think i'm going to hit the hay. my schedule is all messed up and i've been taking naps at random hours of the day. lol.
peace out everyone.
night.
-xann

"the goal isn't to live forever, its to create something that will." -bob marley

a change of meanings

For the past year i've loved being in alpine, because it meant being with my friends. now that i live here, and pass by the round a bout, legacy park, the peppermint place, burgess park, and everything else daily its starting to mean more than that. it means home. the change of meanings isn't exactly drastic, its just... different? to live walking distance (well, pretty much) from cosette and hayleigh is pretty rad. i get to see them a lot more, which is quite happy making. now we just have to get alyse over here all the time, or go there. i misses her. oh, and carlos of course. and when grant gets back, him too.

i cannot believe more than half the summer is gone. i don't know exactly how much of it is left since i refuse to count the days/weeks. that'll just make it go by too fast, and seem like not enough. time has a spastic way of passing i've decided. i don't want school to start, not really. i don't like always having to worry about my grades, assignments, whats due, when its due, is it done yet, what isn't due, how much of it is done, what day is it, what am i missing, why do i have a d in that class, etc. its stressful to even think about. i'm kind of excited to start ninth grade. i think. freshman year. high school, everywhere else but here. oh wells.

so far, this summer has been pretty alright. i plan to, hopefully do everything on my summer list. so far not even half is done... good thing there's still a month or so left.

well, good night i loveth you all. sweet dreams.

eighties clothes. are. the. shiz.

so, i'm pretty much done moving... woot! tis very exciting. its taken long enough, but i'm excited to move so its all good. oh, and btdub, moving sucks.

anyways, when me and my mom were going through some stuff in the basement, we came across a box of her old clothes from the 80's. i thought they were way cool, so i asked if i could have them, and she said sure. it was about three in the morning, and i decided to play dress up in them and make outfits out of them. its was fun. but, as she was handing me them, and showing them to me, all the tank tops, socks, shorts, shirts, blouses, etc. she would say something about them. each one brought back a memory for her, of being on the beach with her grandpa, or in the car with her boyfriend, or at a club with her best friend. there's a story woven into the fabric of each of them. of where she used to live, who she used to talk to, when she was however old she was at that time. its crazy how many memories can be stored in a place, or a ring, or a certain pair of shoes, or a toy, or a hat.

just going through all this stuff, maybe stuff you don't remember until you see it makes you realize that you really do have a lot of history to you, even if you are only fourteen. memories, after a time can seem to fade, dissipate, or sometimes even disappear. many things can trigger memories. scents. colors. tastes. images.

i wonder what it was like to live in the eighties... or the seventies... or the sixties... how different things might seem to us, from our point of view. how if we went back to those times, versus our parents going back to those times, we would probably be pretty lost. our parents would just be remembering.

i think its crazy how one person can have such a profound impact on others lives. we never know who could be watching, or listening. maybe someone could be having a hard time in life, and they overhear a conversation between you and your friend, and you say something profound/uplifting. the person that overheard you then decides, at that point that he/she needs to turn their life around. and they end up doing just that.

well, this has been more of a random sort of blog, but oh wells :P
good night everyone, sleep tight etc.

warped tour '09!

this is just a list of the bands that are playing at warped tour this year, i've bolded my favorites:

3OH!3

A Day To Remember

A Skylit Drive

A Verse Unsung

After Midnight Project

Aiden

Alana Grace

Alexisonfire

All Time Low

Attack Attack

Bad Religion

Bayside

Big D and the Kids Table

Black Saints Cartel

Bouncing Souls

Breathe Carolina

BrokeNCYDE

Cash Cash

Chiodos

Dirty Heads

Drop Dead Julio

Echo Movement

Escape The Fate

Every Avenue

Forever The Sickest Kids

Gallows

Hit The Lights

I Set My Friends On Fire

In This Moment

Innerpartysystem

Inward Eye

Ivoryline

Ivy League

Less Than Jake

Longway

Madina Lake

Meg and Dia

Millionaires

NeverShoutNever

NOFX

P.O.S.

PHATHOM

Scary Kids Scaring Kids

Senses Fail

Shad

Shooter Jennings

Sing It Loud

Single File

Streetlight Manifesto

TAT

The A.K.A.s

The Architects

The Devil Wears Prada

The Maine

The Reverend Payton’s Big Damn Band

The White Tie Affair

There For Tomorrow

Therefore I Am

TV/TV

Underoath

Valencia

VersaEmerge

We The Kings

Westbound Train

You Me At Six

inspired by death cab

this is a poem i wrote last night, but didn't decided to post it till just now. its kinda lame, but it's my attempt at poetry:

reach up, touch the clouds

reach down, touch the grass

look up, see the moon

look down, see the fish

breathe in, smell the rain

breathe out, let go of doubt

close your eyes, and feel the sun

change... is a good thing, yes?

well, i am once again moving. where to, i am not totally sure. a week ago i thought cedar hills, three days ago i thought lehi, yesterday i thought alpine, now it looks like saratoga springs. i most likely won't be able to go to timberline... part of me wants to cry because of this. well, okay most of me wants to cry. but another smaller part of me is excited to go to a new school.

they are currently building a middle school in saratoga springs, so until it is finished i would go to the high school there. this terrifies me. but at the same time, its thrilling. i like meeting new people. i just hate being the new kid. having to tell everyone about yourself; i never really know exactly what to say. it gives you a chance for a fresh start, a clean slate. it just takes a while for me to be able to be myself around new people. but i really think if i just open up and try my best to not be shy, then i'll be okay.

the house in saratoga springs we're really interested in is five bedrooms, three of them being in the basement. the basement is finished, and has a kitchen. i'd be in one of the three in the basement. i'm excited to move. this house is walking distance from wal-mart, whoopee. i'd live five minutes from carlos, and about ten from alyse. i don't know how far from cosette and grant i'd be... its a gorgeous freaking house, the only drawback is the location.

i think if i didn't hate traverse mountain so much, i wouldn't be so excited to move. just the stress it puts on everyone is hard. although staying up till five or six packing, and going to del-taco at three in the morning is awful fun, all the while being on insane amounts of caffeine. so, that is one thing i'm looking forward to.

i'll miss this house at first, just because it's something familiar. it's what i'm used to. i am walking into this with an open mind, with open arms. i welcome the change. change is a good thing.

we're all fools in this silly game we play

a life without love, would be like a life without sight. thus equaling major suckage to the utmost extreme. if you could not see the world around you, all its beauty... what kind of a life would that be? to walk around and hear the rain fall upon the ground, but not to see the affect it has on the trees? the rainbow that it leaves behind?

we all play the game so commonly known as love. we get hurt, time over time over time over time. and yet, we still continue. we do not cease. why is this? common sense would tell us quite simply that if you wish to not get hurt, if you wish to remain fully intact, then do not give your heart out. not even in pieces. that way you won't even need to mess with duct tape, you won't need anyone to help put you back together ever, and you will always have all of your pieces inside of you, where they belong. but what would be the point in that? for love has nothing to do with common sense. a wise young girl once told me "we are never whole as we travel along in life; we leave bits and pieces of ourselves in others." if you give a part of yourself up to someone, then don't you think you just might receive a part of them? that in return for your loss, you would gain something? perhaps this makes it worth it. but even if you feel it does not, there are other reasons you might think it fair.

the feeling you get when the one you love, the one that is ever so constantly on your mind holds you in their arms; the feeling you get when your lips touch theirs, even for the briefest of moments; the feeling you get when you glance up to see their smile of adoration towards you; the feeling you get when you look at your phones caller id to realize thats its them calling; the feeling you get when you think of them and feel such contentment just to have them in your life, and say yes, he/she's mine. all of these things make the heartbreak that so closely follows love worth it.

its just making these feelings last that is the tricky part. we want these feelings to stay, to never fade, to never falter, to never doubt them or in the person that is making us feel this way. we want to be able to believe in them. i think that that is why even when there is a problem in a relationship, or in someone you love, you don't want to see it, you don't want to believe it. so you don't let yourself. you put the blindfold on, and refuse to take it off. you don't want to see what lies in front of you. true, it would be easier to keep it on, but you would be living a lie. and the longer you keep that blindfold on, the more its going to hurt when you take it off and see the light. its so much better to take it off, and not have to go on living like that. so, if you see another fellow fool walking around with a blindfold on, please, help them out. lend them a hand. wouldn't you want someone to do the same for you?

a box full of sharp objects

hello again to all of you who read my blog. i've just been thinking, and decided to write one more blog today. this is going to be a short one due to my lack of sleep. staying up late+getting up early=epic fail.
anyways, i just feel like life is like a box full of sharp objects. there may quite possibly be a couple of non-harmful, non-sharp objects in this box, but for the most part there are just sharp objects. at least, that's what it feels like. you reach in to look for your car keys, or a pen, or your phone, and in the process end up getting stabbed by a fork, or a knife, or some other obscene object. i know thats life, that pain comes with love, good comes with bad. i guess i just wish it could be different occasionally. i know i'm being pessimistic, but i can't help it. once in a while i think its okay to let all the crap in your life overwhelm you, that way when everything is just fine and dandy once again you'll appreciate it just that much more. so, back to my analogy. i just feel like no matter what i do, how much i try, how hard i try, it doesn't matter. its not getting me anywhere. i don't know what to do with myself. of course there is the effort i am going to have to eventually put into packing and moving, but after that i mean. i don't know what my focus is anymore. i almost feel like i'm drifting, and its barely the first day of summer. oh screw.

that was then, this is now

so so so, where to start? okay, first of all, i apologize for not having written a blog for a while (before my last one, that is) my life has been kinda crazy this past month, what with trying to catch up on school work, stupid immature seventh graders, at times somewhat overreacting parents and so on. what i just want to talk about really quick is, well change i suppose.

sometime earlier this month i read a book titled "that was then, this is now" by s.e. hinton. its an amazing book, maybe even more so than the outsiders. it just talks about these two boys' lifes, and halfway or so through the book they start talking to eachother. how a while ago the girl one of them was going with used to be his main focus in life. he always needed to be talking to her over the phone, or being around her, or looking forward to the next time he would see her. she was his life. and how now, he could really care less what she was doing, who she was after, or going with. *coughmecough* how they used to love getting in fights, and hotwiring cars and other such things. basically it just talked about how things that used to be their main priority in life they now hardly ever thought about, and then they step back and realize... wow, was that really that long ago? has that much time really passed? thats what was kind of going through my head when i was reading it. and i started making little comparisons of my own in my life. it was then that i started to realize not only how much i've changed, but how much everyone else has changed around me. most of them for the good, but not all.

change is a good thing, i have decided. i used to be super shy, i used to have really long hair, i used to hate wearing shorts, i used to be more naive than i am now lol, i used to never really think about things as much as i do now, i used to hate writing, i used to think i could cook, i used to be bothered by little things easily, i used to be good at swimming, i used to kind of like utah, i used to have one gig of memory on my iPod, i used to not know how to put on makeup very well, i used to never look at the stars, i used to hate scary movies, i used to think summer would never come, i used to never listen to techno music, i used to not know how to play guitar, i used to not be open to new things,my life used to revolve around a certain person, whereas now he hasn't even crossed my mind for a long time; because that was then, this is now. just that phrase seems so eye opening and epic. i love it.

also, how many new people i've met just by going to timberline the last few months. how many friends i've made, how much closer i've gotten to the friends i already had there. how i've realized that if you really just open up and be yourself around people, that more often than not they will like you for you. i've realized that some kids will never learn due to the fact that they are just that oblivious to the world around them. i've realized that sleep is a good thing, but that it makes life more interesting to be on no sleep, especially when you go and drink caffeine while one is on no sleep. i've realized that your attitude really does make a difference. i've realized that i cannot drive worth a crap (good thing i have all summer to have someone teach me), i've realized that it doesn't take much to have a good time, i've realized that life just loves to throw one stress on you right after you've just worked so hard to get rid of the first one, i've realized that innerpartysystem, death cab for cutie, paramore, my chemical romance, muse, tegan and sara, blaqk audio and scary kids scaring kids will always be amazing. i've realized that change is a good thing.

goodbyes and summer skies

wow, this week has been fricking uhmayzing.

monday, climbed grants roof and the hill near his house with him, alyse, and carlos then afterwards went to the paramore/no doubt concert.

tuesday, ran around alpine/the junction with cosette, alyse, and grant. then, went back to my house and walked up to the park.

wednesday, didn't go to school. instead, went to ihop with grant, alyse, cosette, and carlos. afterwards carlos had to leave, then the rest of us walked all over af and tried on dresses at ross, slept on beds at bed bath and beyond, and looked at fishies at wal-mart. then we went back to grants house and watched seven pounds.

thursday, yearbook day. afterschool we went to kneaders and got asiago bread and italian creme soda's. then went back to hayleighs house and sat in her boat in her backyard. then she had to go get ready for her brothers graduation, so we went to cosette's house and watched 21.

friday, last day of school, walked to the junction with grant and got mountain dew, then waited for his mom to come get us so we could go have our breakfast party. hayleigh showed up, followed by aubrey, followed by cosette. we made crepes, and breakfast sandwhiches. we then proceeded to migrate like coconuts down to roxberry, except my madre decided she needed to come pick me up when we had gotten to legacy park. then i went home and got my dress, and convinced my mom to go to orem so i could get a pair of converse to wear with my dress. then i got dropped off at alyse's a few minutes after she had gotten there, shortly followed by cosette, grant and aubrey, followed by carlos. we started getting ready for the stake dance. we watched the first couple minutes of moulin rouge, then decided to just chill in her room and listen to music. we then migrated to the park near her house. after we went back and ate taquitos, then her madre drove us to the stake dance.

we showed up, and realized it wasn't formal...(i suppose we just have this thing with always dressing wrong) ah well, we still had fun. but, we decided that the dances in lehi are lame cuz no one actually dances, and they have gay music. whereas the dances in alpine are way fun, cuz everyone dances the whole entire time. you would feel out of place if you weren't dancing. they still have somewhat crappy music, but the difference is you feel like you're having fun.

so, during this last week of school, this oh so very week of epicality, i've been thinking. people are getting older, moving on, changing schools, changning residences, becoming more mature, taking summer long vacations, and so on. like for instance; red is now a sophomore and going to lone peak, alysie my dearest wifey is going to lehi, i am moving, grant is going to efy, california, and boston, and as a result will only be home for two weeks at the end of june, oh and alyse is also moving to pleasant grove for a month starting monday. i will miss alyse until she is back, i'll miss not seeing red next year at school, i'll miss grant the whole summer he is gone. i am going to try my hardest to make this summer one worth remembering, one you look back on when you're thirty or fourty years old and say yeahhh, that was a pretty kick ass summer. i want to stay friends with all of you amazing people that so completely and totally rock my world. i knoweth not what i would do without you all.

something we were talking about on friday night when we ditched the stake dance and laid in the middle of the road to watch the stars kind of stuck out to me. we were saying how this would be the only night the whole summer when all of us would be together, me, cosette, alyse, grant, carlos, and aubrey. there will be other times, i am sure but still. those minutes, however long we spent out there talking, singing along to alyse's phone, watching the stars, laying in the street. it was all just so perfect. you really do have to make the most of what little time you have. life is a miracle, cherish it. be in love with life. make lasting memories. i love you all, and hope you have a great summer!
-xann