Ticking clocks... they never stop, do they?

We never know how much time we have left, do we? We only have one shot at this whole thing called life. Then what? There are so many different theories. But what about right now, this very moment, that you are sitting here reading this? When we pass away, and go to wherever it is that we go, will we get to watch a run through of our lives, except this time from a new perspective, maybe be able to see all sides of the story, what was really going on? What, at the time may have seemed like we'd never get through it, seemed so deep, and endless, and, yet was there and gone so seemingly quickly? And, perhaps, will we be able to know and feel what everyone else in that problem/situation/instance was thinking and feeling? That would be pretty.. well, crazy if we could, to know exactly how they felt. In a way, it might be kind of cool, to be able to realize all the peoples lives around us whom we've touched and made a difference in, now matter how small. These are questions i've been thinking about myself, but can only guess at the answers to. I remember when i was little, and my little sister was in the hospital with pneumonia. And one night i got to thinking about the concept of eternity, and how long that would be. Second after minute after hour after day after week after month after year after decade after century... Quite honestly, it kind of scared me.. There's a quote in a book called stranger with my face that talks about this. Its stuck with me ever since the first time i read it. It says something like "If there were a mountain of granite a thousand feet high, and every thousand years a bird flew by and brushed it with its wing, when that mountain was finally eroded, only a fraction of a second will have passed in the context of eternity." Pretty crazy, huh?

I used to always be looking forward to something that was in a few days, maybe a few weeks, and just trying to get through everything else in a rush, then when it came to whatever it may have been i was looking forward to, it was over too fast, just like everything else had been. And then, before i knew it, more than half the year had passed by, and i could only remember a few days/times/call them whatever you like, mostly outside of school. But then again, i know some people have the tendency to block painful, uneccessary memories from their minds, but still, it felt like time had flown. I thought time only flew when you were having fun? What the damn hell, i thought, i mean seriously. And then, of what i could remember, i didn't feel like I had actually been there. It freaked me out a little, i didn't know where all that time had gone. It didn't feel like it could've been that long at all.

I remember reading this book with cosette a while back, and it talked about this little boy who didn't know what to do with all his "time"(then it goes into this description of him packing up his heavy decades, his slightly smaller years, his months, his weeks, the small days, the hours, the minutes, and the tiny seconds, it described them as being "boxlike"), so he decided to pack it up in his suitcase so it wouldn't get away, and travel around the world, till he found something important to him that he wanted to spend it all on. He left all his friends, family etc behind. Basically what happens, is after many years the little boy returns home, only he's not a little boy anymore, he's an old man. And he finally realizes that what he's been searching for his whole life, he had right in front of him. He opens his suitcase, which had been so heavy with all the time when he first packed it up, has only a few weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds left. And so he decides to spend the rest of his time, which isn't much, surrounded by the people he loves and cares about.

So just more recently i've come to realize we need to live in the present, yet still be aware of our past, as well as our future. We need to live in the now, because we only have one life. One chance to do you what you want to do, one chance to be who you want to be. Live and love life to the fullest. Make good memories with your friends, things you're happy to look back on, and reminisce in a week, a month, a year. Because, we never know how much time we have left, there's no way to tell or predict. Yeah, some people claim they can tell your future with a deck of cards and whatnot, but in the end it comes down to what you chose to do/not do. We all make mistakes, no ones perfect, we can only do our best, and give it our all.
So, in closing, here are some quotes about time/life in general. Well, night everyone!

natures first green is gold,
her hardest hue to hold.
her early leafs a flower,
but only so an hour.
then leaf subsides to leaf,
so eden sank to grief,
so dawn goes down today,
nothing gold can stay.
-the outsiders (robert frost)

love life, and life will love you back;
love people, and people will love you back.
-arthur rubenstein

years teach us things that days can't see
-hayleighs mirror (lol)

take some time and learn to breathe
and remember what it means
to feel alive, and to believe
-Sixx A.M.

love the life you live,
live the life you love
-Bob Marley

everybody sing like its the last
song you will ever sing;
everybody live like its the last
day you will ever see
-Paramore

dream like you'll live forever,
live like you'll die tomorrow
-a wise fortune cookie ;]

Its called a chill pill, please take one

Okay, so i've been in a blogging mood pretty much all day, have had a lot on my mind, and figure this is a good way to get it all (or at least most) of it out. Gah okay, so anyways, i was talking to my mom earlier, and asked if i could go somewhere, and she totally overreacted and blew up on me, naming every single possible reason under the sun why she was saying no. I just sat there and was thinking wow, i'm never going to act like this when i'm a mom, and just blow up on people randomly. I want to be chill, and someone they feel like they can talk to, no matter what. I want to be someone they can look up to, and trust, and be friends with all the time, good day or bad day. I want to be there for them. I want to be dependable and able to be counted on.
Because, well, i can see the reasons why she's under so much stress all the time, what with bills, groceries, trying to keep the house clean, worrying about kids, what we eat, what we wear, who we're with, what we're doing, how, why when and where. Worrying about everything, and on top of all of it she worries about what tv shows she missed, what episodes, what's on tonight or tomorrow night, what needs to be recorded, how much memory the stupid dvr has, what needs to be deleted, what needs to be burned, what needs to be watched and when. She NEEDS to lay off the tv for a while. She used to not even eat dinner with us because, when my granparents were still living with us, she had a legitimate excuse. She'd say that it was too hard to be around them, that my grandpa would try to start fights and she just didn't want to deal with it. And i was cool with that. But now, they're gone, and she still won't ever be downstairs with us, because she's with the stupid tv. The other day she said something to me to the effect of "i think you really need to spend more time with the family, xandra. You treat your iPod and your phone like they're your family." I just sat there and thought gee, who does that remind me of? I dunno, her parents were pretty messed up, and i've only ever gotten the slightest idea of how fucked up life was for her during those years. But still, wouldn't that make her want to CHANGE what kind of parent she was? I mean, seriously, it makes me want to. And she used to at least TRY to set a good example and be a MOM, but these days it seems like she's not putting any effort into it. She really doesn't do much of the things you'd think a mom should. I guess she just kind of.. gave up. I'm not saying i'm a perfect child or anything, not in the least bit am i. But thats what kind of bugs me, is how she's always telling me when she was little that she was a perfect child. Mom, no ones perfect. But only after her parents went over the top that she did too, when she was a teenager and had a car and all. I know parents think teenagers are wild, unruly and reckless, and heck mebbe they're right most of the time. Pssh but isn't that what being a teenager is all about? Well now i think i'm just starting to rant, i'm thinking i should just call it a night.
-xrr

Quote:
Oh and i'm feeling directionless yes
But thats to be expected
And i know that best
And in creeps the morning
And another days lost
-Soil Soil; Tegan and Sara

waves of memories

Its crazy to think that last week at this time i was driving home from arizona, because it seems like that was forever ago. Going back was.. well lots of different things. We hadn't been back since we moved up to utah, two and a half years ago. I could still remember most everything pretty clearly. When we got into anthem, arizona, it was night time, around nine or ten. Anthem is where we lived, fifteen minutes north of phoenix. The second we were driving down the beautiful road to anthem lined with palo verde and mesquite trees, and cactus, with the big waterfall that says welcome to anthem, a wave of emotions and memories hit me all at once. I could remember every time we had ever driven down that road coming back from a trip, whether it had been a few hours or a few days. It felt so surreal, like a dream, especially since it was night time, and i was still kind of groggy. We drove by our old house, which was both sorrowful and wonderful to see again. Then after we went to the old safeway just down the street. It was a pretty warm, clear night so you could see the stars. I thought to myself, are these really the same stars cosette and i would watch, laying in the middle of my street in utah? I wanted to lay on the car and sit there and watch them for hours, but of course my parents wouldn't go along with that, so i didn't even bother asking, already knowing what the answer would be. I remember thinking the next day, when we went back to anthem, and were eating taco bell at the park sitting on the grass, watching the sunset, that i wanted to stay there forever, and that everything seemed so welcoming amd happy and warm there. And i wanted so badly at that moment to be able to live like that, to just lay out in the sun every day, and be tan, and not worry about getting caught in the snow, or about needing to wear snowboots or not, or wishing it was warmer. Then i remembered all my friends in utah, and all we had been through together, how much we had watch each other grow, even just in this past year. So i changed my day dream to where we were all living in arizona, in anthem, walking distance from each other, and from all the other stores and shops and restaurants there. And how we would be able to ask for a ride to one place, and stay there forever never getting bored, just walking around to all the other places near there, just cuz theres so much to do in arizona. And how when we got a little older and had a license, we could drive up to the motsuri festival for example, and spend the day there. How i wished all this could come true, my day dream. But, of course, like most things that seem too good to be true, it would be. We spent the rest of that night walking around the outlets at anthem, this outdoor mall. Again, this place held so many memories, and good times. You know, i think its funny how something as small and seemingly insignificant as a tree, or a certain smell can hold such a strong lasting memory.

Quote that (kind of) goes with this: "oh somewhere deep inside of these bones, an emptiness began to grow, there's something out there far from my home, a longing that i've never known" -nightmare before christmas