Okay, so i've been in a blogging mood pretty much all day, have had a lot on my mind, and figure this is a good way to get it all (or at least most) of it out. Gah okay, so anyways, i was talking to my mom earlier, and asked if i could go somewhere, and she totally overreacted and blew up on me, naming every single possible reason under the sun why she was saying no. I just sat there and was thinking wow, i'm never going to act like this when i'm a mom, and just blow up on people randomly. I want to be chill, and someone they feel like they can talk to, no matter what. I want to be someone they can look up to, and trust, and be friends with all the time, good day or bad day. I want to be there for them. I want to be dependable and able to be counted on.
Because, well, i can see the reasons why she's under so much stress all the time, what with bills, groceries, trying to keep the house clean, worrying about kids, what we eat, what we wear, who we're with, what we're doing, how, why when and where. Worrying about everything, and on top of all of it she worries about what tv shows she missed, what episodes, what's on tonight or tomorrow night, what needs to be recorded, how much memory the stupid dvr has, what needs to be deleted, what needs to be burned, what needs to be watched and when. She NEEDS to lay off the tv for a while. She used to not even eat dinner with us because, when my granparents were still living with us, she had a legitimate excuse. She'd say that it was too hard to be around them, that my grandpa would try to start fights and she just didn't want to deal with it. And i was cool with that. But now, they're gone, and she still won't ever be downstairs with us, because she's with the stupid tv. The other day she said something to me to the effect of "i think you really need to spend more time with the family, xandra. You treat your iPod and your phone like they're your family." I just sat there and thought gee, who does that remind me of? I dunno, her parents were pretty messed up, and i've only ever gotten the slightest idea of how fucked up life was for her during those years. But still, wouldn't that make her want to CHANGE what kind of parent she was? I mean, seriously, it makes me want to. And she used to at least TRY to set a good example and be a MOM, but these days it seems like she's not putting any effort into it. She really doesn't do much of the things you'd think a mom should. I guess she just kind of.. gave up. I'm not saying i'm a perfect child or anything, not in the least bit am i. But thats what kind of bugs me, is how she's always telling me when she was little that she was a perfect child. Mom, no ones perfect. But only after her parents went over the top that she did too, when she was a teenager and had a car and all. I know parents think teenagers are wild, unruly and reckless, and heck mebbe they're right most of the time. Pssh but isn't that what being a teenager is all about? Well now i think i'm just starting to rant, i'm thinking i should just call it a night.
-xrr
Quote:
Oh and i'm feeling directionless yes
But thats to be expected
And i know that best
And in creeps the morning
And another days lost
-Soil Soil; Tegan and Sara
No comments:
Post a Comment