brand new eyes

the new paramore album came out yesterday! i still need to get it. i was listening to some of their songs, and decided that this was one of my favorites. its called careful:

I settle down
A twisted up frown
Disguised as a smile (whoa)
You would have never known
I had it all but not what i wanted
'cause hopefully was a place uncharted
And overgrown

You make your way in
I resist you just like this
You can't tell me to feel
The truth never set me free
So i did it myself

You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach a little more

Open your eyes like i opened mine
It's only the real world
Oh, like you will never know
Shifting your weight to throw off the pain
Well you can ignore it
But only for so long

You look like i did
You resist me just like this
You can't tell me to heal
And it hurts remembering how it felt to shut down

You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach a little more

The truth never set me free
The truth never set me free
The truth never set me free
So i'll do it myself

You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach out
You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach out more

More
More
More
More, more

my other new favorite song by them is called
misguided ghosts:

I'm going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
'cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no road
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles

But now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it

Would someone care to classify,
A broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not
Useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
And we should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

well, its late, i gotta get to sleep. i love you all, and good night :)

metaphorical poem

Her life is like a stormy sky

Bereft of incandescent love

You know not yet what will make her cry

Her brooding turbulence contained above

She’s learned to no longer trust her brazen emotions

Instead they began to ferment, leaving only apathy behind

Relying solely upon her troubled notions

She escapes to better times inside her comatose mind

As she nears the grave, her last words bequeathed to you are these:

“Whatever y0ur sorrow, whatever your pain,

There will be rainbows after the rain.”

cows on crack

Yesterday, i finished message in a bottle. it was such a good book, i loved it. but i also hated it, just because. its one of those things. (btdub, i'm sorry for ruining the ending for you cosette) i was reading it in english, and it was getting really intense, so i finished almost all of it at lunch, at which point i freaked out. haha. my next class was math, and i should have been paying attention, but i couldn't. i kept thinking about the dumb book, and zoning out. then about halfway through, i almost started crying. i don't even know why, i hadn't been thinking about the book. my mind was completely blank. i almost said "what the freak??" out loud. that would have been funny, but still i'm glad i didn't.

i love nicholas sparks. just his whole style of writing, its amazing. he's kind of like the writer you aspire to be. his books make you think. but s.e. hinton is, has, and always will be my favorite author. everything she writes about is so profound, in its own way and really reaches me. i highly reccommend you read her books. especially that was then, this is now. thats my most favorite book, even above twilight. shocker, i know.

i just read alyse's blog yesterday, its called "you taught my heart a sense i never knew i had." love silverstein. anyways, it was exactly what i had been feeling like all day, but hadn't been able to put into words. so to sit there reading it, it was like woah... you should read it, its truly amazing. that girl sure can write ;) one of the things she said that really stuck out to me was this line: "remember the past, live the present. it'll never happen again." she's so right, on so many levels. there are so many things that happen throughout our lives, even if they're something little, that we don't notice go by. and it'll never happen again.

kind of like what my mom said at the depeche mode concert, when somebody threw up from being drunk. she said something to the affect of "what an idiot. seriously, thats so smart! lets drink so much we pass out, throw up, and can't remember this night... depeche mode isn't going to be around forever you know."

on a different note, i hung out with carlos and zakk today. it was fun. at first i was kind of worried it might get kind of awkward cuz cosette probably wasn't going to come, but i ended up having a really good time. we just talked, because alpine is lame and there's really nothing to do, but its all good. something he said really got to me, and i totally understood how he felt. he said that he kind of wished he could move, just so he could start over. so he wouldn't have the same reputation as being the "stoner emo kid."

i think its sad how everyone, once they have an idea in their head of exactly how they think people are, they refuse to ever change that idea. i guess they think that people don't change, won't change, can't change. when really, change is what we do best. it is constantly what we are forced to do. we are all in a continuous state of change. whether its mentally, physically, or emotionally. or those around us, or us ourselves. but thats just life, changing and unpredidctable.

well, i'm dead tired from not getting enough sleep, and walking around all day. so, i love you all dearly. thank you for taking the time to listen to me.

cheers to...friends, passed memories, and magic sticks (meaning otter pops) =p oh, and sleep.

-xann

(btdub, the title is something katie said when i was talking to her last night at one a.m. i didn't know what to title it, and i thought that it sounded ridiculous, so i used it)

aCiD tRiP

Koo koo ca choo

The sky is blue

Just like the fish in the sea

But the walrus lives to eat those fish

So I say "Swim away man!"

They swam so fast the water turned green

Just like the tree in my dream

But was it a dream? I never know anymore

With Lucy in the sky, I try to fly

The eggman on my ceiling reaches down his hand to me

Then the blackbird singing in my ear

He squawks "Come together right now, over me."

With words flowing out like rain into a paper cup

I drink that cup from bottom up

Some spills onto the floor above

Making pools of sorrow and waves of joy

So I surf the waves across the universe

I lived on in a world unknown, until

One day I met you. And now,

Eight days a week, i wanna hold your hand

Oh! darling, if you could run through

The octopus's garden with me

My guitar would never gently weep again

I see you and think, here comes the sun

We fly up to the starless night

And touch the glowing stars

Then float back down once again

Then after we'll run through

The seemingly endless strawberry fields

Where nothing is real,

And nothing to get hung about

Walking down penny lane with Jude and Prudence

I get by with little help from my friends

fairytale, or not?

This is a creative writing exercise we had to do. It made my mom cry, so i thought hey, why don't i post it as a blog? so i did. here it is. enjoy.

My ending to the story of the lady and the tiger: if the princess were to choose the door with:
The tiger: it would be almost expected, for it was in her countries barbaric nature and would not seem that out of place there. Even among us, as humans, we would not find it too terribly odd, for it might be easier for her to live with his death, (even though, ultimately it would come down to her decision) to watch his blood be spilled right there before her very eyes, than to have to live with him marrying the woman she loathed. And, more than that, she as well as everyone else would be there to witness them being wed. But to have to remember, day in and day out, the image of his terror filled eyes as the tiger lunged out toward her lover, as she sat in the stand, helpless to help him in his time of dire need and desperation. Honestly, I think that would be quite traumatic. We would probably all like to think we would choose the lady for our lover, but, if it really came down to it, and we were thrown into the same situation , what would we choose?

The lady: she would have to live in that constant state of anger, rage, jealousy, and torment for the rest of her life. B ut would she rather see his face with hers every day, or not at all? Some might say that she may find another whom she would love just as much, if not more. I do believe that if you really love someone, you would want the best for them. Try to do, no matter what, the best for them. What then, in this case is the “best”? To have him wiped off the face of the earth entirely, knowing it was you who thus did this? Or having him still be alive, even in the same vicinity as you day after day, after day; only knowing that he now belongs to another, that he is no longer yours? You may still own him at heart, but what good is the heart without the body? Him and his new wife legally bound together till death do them part. … of course, they could always try the whole Tristan & Isolde thing, sneaking around despite the fact that he is married. But if his wife was ever to find out, she would, of course be enraged. And then, what would there be to stop her from telling the king?

*****************

With the utmost of confidence, he thrust his hand out towards the right door, and out pounced… the tiger. She stood up and screamed in shock , realizing that, somehow, for some reason, they had switched the doors at the last minute. She had not wanted this fate for him. She knew that if he did not exist in any part of her universe, married or not, it would be impossible for her to go on. She had debated for weeks on end to come to this decision. And now, to have it switched on her so suddenly, so randomly, made her feel helpless. Powerless.

He took one last, longing glance upward at her, staring into her horror struck midnight blue eyes, knowing that this would be the last time he was to see them again. To see the storm in them subside after he would reassure her that she was the only one for him, the only one he would , could, or should ever love; the smolder of triumph after she won a minor argument; the passion and desire that almost made them burn that was so rarely there, when they were able to meet alone. This never ceased to mystify him , especially since the color of her eyes was closer to ice than to fire; the tumultuous joy that came when she saw his face once again after being separated seemingly for forever. All of this, gone. Lost. He wondered for a brief second if, perhaps, she would seek another out after he was gone… then stopped. He knew the answer to that. Of course she would not. Of course. He couldn’t ever do that, and neither would she. He would want her to be happy, but she would be so picky, always comparing every man her father tried to force on her to him. She would find no one. He almost felt, almost, arrogant. But the thought of her misery far outweighed his arrogance. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted that more than anything, even if he was not to be included in that happiness…

All of this took place in less than a heartbeat. He blew a kiss to her, then bowed. The tiger lunged upon him, and her agonized scream was the only sound that filled his ears“NO!!!” he wanted to tell her everything would be okay, that she was fine, there was no need to worry, he wanted to hold her in his arms and reassure her. He thrust back that hopeless wish almost instantaneously, as tears sprang to his eyes. He kept his head bowed down as he felt the impact of the tiger upon his body. He felt no pain as he fell to the ground, though he knew that the tigers claws were in his back. None of this seemed to be registering to his brain. It was as though every cell, every thought, every part of him was screaming her name. including his last breath, as he exhaled one last time, to say goodbye. Then he felt his world go black, and he was drifting. For a moment he thought he could hear her, but then it was gone. The voice. The voice of an angel. His angel. He would know that voice anywhere…