i think i finally know...

For the longest time, whenever someone would ask "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I never really knew the answer. I mean, I kind of had ideas. But none of them felt right, you know? Like it was really something I could see myself doing in the future.
But since i've been living with hayleigh, I read this book she has called tweak. It's basically about this guy who throughout his life tries every single drug out there, and gets addicted and ends up living on the street, and his story of how he gets through it, and all the rehab/treatment centers he goes through, and how much of a struggle it is to stay sober.
And then I found out this sunday that one of the ladys in hayleighs ward works in a rehab center, and she told us about one time this one kid, 25 years old or so, was laying on the grass and looking up at the stars, and she talked about how he told her how he felt so lost, and worthless, and like he had nowhere to go. His parents had kicked him out, he was a musician and had a job offer to play a gig in hong kong for two weeks that would pay 16,000 dollars. The problem was that he knew if he went, he would relapse. Well basically what ended up happening was she told him he was not worthless, and that he still had time to change the way things are. And basically, that he needed to stop feeling sorry for himself and do something about it. So the next day, after he had gone to all his meetings, he came up to her and asked if he could play his guitar for her. she said of course, and as he started to play, people were drawn to the music. Pretty soon there was a crowd around them. After he finished playing, she asked him "Do you realize what you've been able to do for these people? Just by playing your guitar here, you've helped comfort all of these people." He told her how thankful he was to her for motivating him to start trying again, and giving him hope that things might actually turn out okay.
Hearing all this, and reading that book has helped me realize what I want to do with my life. I want to work in a rehab center, and be able to help all these people. I want to be the person who gives them hope again. I want to help them realize that they're never alone. I want to make a difference. How amazing would that be?? This is something I can really see myself doing, and being good at. Figuring all of this out, is truly such an exciting feeling.

paintings of awesomeness =p

honestly, at the moment there's a lot i could blog about. but i don't exactly know how to put it into words. so instead, i'll talk about what i've been doing on this painfully uneventful week of nothingness. i've taken lots of naps, done lots of reading, gone stargazing every night, taken night walks, started painting again, expanded my baking skills, and watched lots of movies and tv. so pretty much, i'm ready to go be with friends. i'm tired of being home, in all this chaos and insanity.

but what i was going to mostly talk about was the painting. i found this artist i really like, by the name of joshua petker. his painting are amazing. some of them could be considered to be a little creepy, but still. i tried to copy one of his paintings, and it sorta worked. but anyways, that was some of his work. hope you enjoyed it:)

-xann

deadmau5+cage the elephant= boom! inspiration :]

love it when you feel the bass,

i see the strobe lights on your face

you gotta learn life's not a race,

and take it to a slower pace

it's time to learn to just let go,

don't worry mann, life's not a show

so come on, dance, just let it flow

don't waste time fearing what can't be controlled,

instead fear what you might withold

you never know what you might regret,

if you're always too afraid to get your feet wet

don't be scared of being thought a fool,

just dive right on into the pool

even if you choose to go headfirst,

there are many things that are much worse

so listen to what i'm about to say:

don't let anymore time slip away

time to let go? yea, i'm thinking so

well, so much for forever

i guess now it's become more like never

i know it hurts now, dear

but it's not worth another tear

i'm honestly trying to let you go

but i can't help the fact that i miss you so

it hurts us both to keep holding on

but i can't say i know how to move along

so i act like everythings alright

it's easier than putting up a fight

besides, isn't that how you dealt?

you gave up, and told e how you felt

said i didn't work for you, come to think of it

that i was never your type to begin with

i know i let go first,

but it's not like you haven't done worse

i suppose it's good i knew when to let go

and let whatever happens flow

i'm not over you just yet,

since you're not that easy to forget

i know time will ease the pain,

and that rainbows always follow rain

but it's hard to see that far ahead,

when i'm stuck here foucused on it instead

my plan is to forgive and forget

oh, and stop lettng myself fret

forgive myself for always believing you without a doubt,

and forgetting how i felt when i let those feelings out

so... what now?

i'm not quite sure where to start... this is almost always the hardest part of blogging. finding a place to start. well, i guess that basically this whole train of thought i'm about to type up started from facebook. of course. i saw a certain someones status, and it reminded me of everything we'd been talking about the night before. but mostly, it reminded me of how much i miss him. i miss what we had. i miss who i was when i was with him. i miss the way he made me feel. i keep on second guessing myself, wondering if i did the right thing by leaving, or if it was a huge mistake. it sure felt like one. i don't know what happened. how it all fell apart. i never wanted to lose him. but i left him. and i'm not even sure why anymore. part of the reason it wasn't as hard at first, was because i thought we'd just take a break, sort of, and get back together at some point. i thought he'd want to, and that he wouldn't want to let us go. but now, it seems like there's no going back. he still cares, but i don't think he'd want to get back together. so, i dunno. i suppose what's done is done. i still hate myself for hurting him. i never wanted that.

i keep wondering if it's going to get any better. if time will help. so far, it hasn't. i still feel the same way. those feelings aren't fading. sometimes, i wish they would. but then there are times when i want so desperately to hold onto all the memories and emotions. i don't want them to fade, or disappear, or just forget them. i've already tried that, and it hardly worked. i don't know how to just let go. i'm not even sure whether i want to... i know i probably should. he's trying to. he's probably having more success with that than i am, though. i've always had a really hard time when it comes to letting people go, in any way.

so, what am i supposed to do? i don't know what to do with myself anymore. at this point, i'm just kinda doing whatever till summers over. i try to stay with friends mostly, because when i'm around people other than my family, i don't focus on whats missing. i don't focus on who's always been there, with me and for me for the past seven months. or so... i can just act like i'm over the whole thing. it's easier than dealing with it. it's my way of coping. acting like it's all good. i don't feel so lonely when i'm around friends. but when i'm by myself, or even just at my house, it tends to be the main thought that constantly crosses my mind. it drives me crazy, because everything, even the silliest things remind me of him. like lemon juice, for example. it's either that, or i feel like i need to jump on facebook, to try and possibly have some form of communication with him. i can't help it.

it's frustrating, because i want to let go. but i don't know how, or if i should. but at the same time, there's part of me that still wants to hold on. what should i do now? i don't know anymore...

well, thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. i just had to get all these thoughts out of my head. just acknowledging that they're there by writing helps.

so, goodnight, or good morning, or whatever.

-xann

self esteem poem (free verse)

comparisons between ourselves and others made

never content with our appearances

always wishing to make a change

why are we so easily intimidated?

beauty approaches, taking long strides

solicitious feelings once hidden away

not wanting to stay buried

preferring instead to resurface,

they make us question whether or not

we are truly worth loving

these thoughts plague our minds

continuously troubling, always making

us second guess what we want to be true

however, we second guess truth

for it makes no sense whatsoever

why do we choose to continue doing this

to ourselves, day in and day out?

it is not healthy, it makes no sense

we cannot be something we are not

nor can we expect ourselves to do so

we are meant to be ourselves

and simply that, for nothing else

is required, or should be of us

you should not change for the world

no matter what anyone says

who knows?

i don't know why its so hard for me to say when something is wrong. it just is. i think part of it is if people/a certain person is happy, i don't want to do anything to ruin that. i don't want to be the reason to take that away. so i keep it in. i don't say anything to anyone. unless i happen to be really tired or i decide fuck it, i don't care. thats really the only time i'll open up. i figure i'll get over it eventually. but even little things still hurt. maybe the reason they do is because i don't say anything about it. i act like everythings fine. and pretty much, no one ever notices. this is why facades are great.

most of the time, i just forget about those past things. and as long as i don't think about it, they don't matter. until something happens to remind me of it. then i can't get it out of my head. it sucks, but whatever. i prefer to act like everything's all good. its the way i do, i guess. its just what i'm used to.

i'm not sure if keeping quiet is better or not. but i guess we'll see.

d-d-d-d-dance for me =p

I wanna start taking a dance class somewhere outside of school. It's something i can really see myself getting into. Here are some quotes i like:

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music"

"Do you think dyslexic people have difficulty dancing to Y.M.C.A.?"

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying who never learns to live"

"Dance to express, not to impress"

"Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain"

"We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance"

how pointless

it snowed. again. big surprise? nope. after all, it's only march. at the moment, i'm not quite sure where my phone is. somewhere in my house, i hope. i honestly don't really care. i found this song from a grey's anatomy episode that i ended up really liking. it's called trick pony, by charlotte gainsbourg. look it up, if you have the chance.

i know i'm just randomly rambling. basically, i have nothing to do. well, actually that's not exactly true. i have a lot of homework. but that doesn't count..

i decided that i don't like it when i try to write deep stuff. it just doesn't work. my writing has lost it's point. i was never very good at it in the first place anyways.

it seems like so many little, random, stupid things like this have lost their point. oh well.

"both sides now"

i heard this poem the other day. well, actually i think it's a song.. whatever. it really struck a chord, i guess cuz it kind of explains how i'm feeling. i wish i could write stuff like this:

Bows and flows of angel hair

And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons everywhere

I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and snow on everyone

So many things i would've done

But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down and still somehow

It's clouds illusions i recall

I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way you feel

As every fairy tale comes real

I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show

You leave 'em laughing when you go

And if you care, don't let them know

Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now

From give and take and still somehow

It's loves illusions i recall

I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say "I love you" right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I've looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say i've changed

Well something's lost, but something's gained

By living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

It's lifes illusions i recall

I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now

From up and down and still somehow

It's life's illusions i recall

I really don't know life at all