so... what now?

i'm not quite sure where to start... this is almost always the hardest part of blogging. finding a place to start. well, i guess that basically this whole train of thought i'm about to type up started from facebook. of course. i saw a certain someones status, and it reminded me of everything we'd been talking about the night before. but mostly, it reminded me of how much i miss him. i miss what we had. i miss who i was when i was with him. i miss the way he made me feel. i keep on second guessing myself, wondering if i did the right thing by leaving, or if it was a huge mistake. it sure felt like one. i don't know what happened. how it all fell apart. i never wanted to lose him. but i left him. and i'm not even sure why anymore. part of the reason it wasn't as hard at first, was because i thought we'd just take a break, sort of, and get back together at some point. i thought he'd want to, and that he wouldn't want to let us go. but now, it seems like there's no going back. he still cares, but i don't think he'd want to get back together. so, i dunno. i suppose what's done is done. i still hate myself for hurting him. i never wanted that.

i keep wondering if it's going to get any better. if time will help. so far, it hasn't. i still feel the same way. those feelings aren't fading. sometimes, i wish they would. but then there are times when i want so desperately to hold onto all the memories and emotions. i don't want them to fade, or disappear, or just forget them. i've already tried that, and it hardly worked. i don't know how to just let go. i'm not even sure whether i want to... i know i probably should. he's trying to. he's probably having more success with that than i am, though. i've always had a really hard time when it comes to letting people go, in any way.

so, what am i supposed to do? i don't know what to do with myself anymore. at this point, i'm just kinda doing whatever till summers over. i try to stay with friends mostly, because when i'm around people other than my family, i don't focus on whats missing. i don't focus on who's always been there, with me and for me for the past seven months. or so... i can just act like i'm over the whole thing. it's easier than dealing with it. it's my way of coping. acting like it's all good. i don't feel so lonely when i'm around friends. but when i'm by myself, or even just at my house, it tends to be the main thought that constantly crosses my mind. it drives me crazy, because everything, even the silliest things remind me of him. like lemon juice, for example. it's either that, or i feel like i need to jump on facebook, to try and possibly have some form of communication with him. i can't help it.

it's frustrating, because i want to let go. but i don't know how, or if i should. but at the same time, there's part of me that still wants to hold on. what should i do now? i don't know anymore...

well, thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. i just had to get all these thoughts out of my head. just acknowledging that they're there by writing helps.

so, goodnight, or good morning, or whatever.

-xann